Tag: #Confused

Love Triangle: Part I

Writer

Epilogue:

Two guys, one girl, a lot of emotions and million of discussions, in a year a lot of things can happen, a lot of things can change, an important relation can be ruined and you can realize who your real friends are.

Characters:

  • My best guy friend – Jence
  • The cousin – Matthew
  • Author, Me –  Clarissa
  • My best girl friend – Danielle

Chapter I

October, 2015

There was this boy, one of my best friends, we were talking as usually at the middle of the night, when he started to talk about a guy just like that so randomly, he told me lots of good things about him, his experiences and where he had already traveled. The next day, it was school day, we talked normally until he mentioned that guy again, we were in french class when he told me that the guy he was talking about yesterday was his cousin and he was going to get into our high school, at first I just say that it was cool, because of the things he told me it seemed that he was an interesting guy, then I just realized that I knew a lot about him without even knowing who he was, so I asked why he told me all of that, and he just said that he wanted me to be his cousins friend.

November, 2015

Days pass by until we saw this guy presenting the entrance exam in the guiding counselors office, I just commented that the guy was good-looking, when we kept walking to our classroom Jence told me that he was his cousin, so I just shut and keep walking until we arrived to the classroom when Jence tried to talk to me about what I said before, I just changed the conversation talking about a movie. At the end of the day Jence sent me a message asking if I really thought that his cousin was good-looking, I had to admit that he really was, so I just said yes, and that was the key word that changed everything…

Anxiety Problems 

Overthinking

Anxiety has been a problem since I started high school, I’ve already had several break downs and got into the hospital because of it.

Over thinking is one of the most common symptoms I have when I’m going to start with an anxiety break down. My head starts hurting like hell, I just can’t focus on anything, every single problem, memory, person comes through my mind at the same time. My heart starts racing, I feel tightening on the chest, start with quick breathing and restlessness.

There are some nights when I just can’t sleep, so I just start watching YouTube videos, which are basically about my favorite tv series or movies, and I just cry out my eyes without any reason. Why? Because information gets stuck in our heads like we need to check out every single thing that happens to us, movies and tv shows personally affect me a lot when I’m going through a similar situation, feeling like nobody cares or likes you because some foolish reasons, being paralyzed by a new project or presentation or experience, feel like you’re alone in this big world.

I’ve been trying to deal with this problem, with such things that actually work for me like

  • Listening to music without headphones, cause if I start with earphones I just get lost and my head starts to hurt again, so when my anxiety has already slow down a little, I just put earphones on.
  • Smell peppermint; this actually helps me a lot, so I can relax and slow down my breathing
  • Close my eyes and start breathing slowly
  • Try not to think on anything, just focusing on my own breathing

But what mostly works its music, I don’t know what I would do without it, I’m basically listening to music every single day, every single time. When I have this break downs all I can do is play my Shawn Mendes songs and just focus on his voice, I don’t know how his voice can control my anxiety, its like magic I swear. When everything gets calm I start listening to my focus playlist on Spotify, and my anxiety goes away for the night.

I know how this thing can make you feel sad and angry and frustrated at the same time, but believe me, find those things that can make you feel better, you’ll go through them and youll feel better, I know that its hard, but remember that you’re the only one that can control it, so don’t be afraid and fight against those anxiety break downs that makes us feel the most vulnerable person in the world, cause we are not. I highly recommend to try out those things I mention maybe you have that one artist or that one person that can help you get calm.

 

My Constant Nightmare

Every single night I used to have this nightmare, it all began when I started reading those Shadowhunters series, but first let me tell you something, I can’t remember anything from my past, I’ve already forgotten every single thing that happened to me during my childhood, the only thing I can remember its a little boy, this guy that appears in every single dream I have, the problem it’s that I don’t even know his name, he’s just there as a grown up guy, but I know that he’s the little boy I remember from my childhood.

How can the books relate with my nightmare? In the book Clary can’t remember her past until she discovers she’s into the Shadowhunter world, when she’s with the silent brothers and the Soul-Sword, she starts to remember little fragments of her life, while reading that scene I actually started remembering some of mine too, creepy huh!

The dream always starts the same way, I’m in a kind of college with that guy, btw we are actually in a romantic relationship which is weird af, we just go to my normal high school and keep with a normal life, there we are just as normal teenagers living their lives.

This guy has Jace attitude, he’s just so sarcastic, mean, selfish but also he has that sensitive side he’s so caring and honest and charming, also he’s good-looking. I’ve tried finding this guy, with this characteristics but I just can’t, I try to remember but nothing seems to be real. But that’s not all the relation I’ve seen, Teen Wolf is also part of this, the tv show series have something that actually made me freak the most, the first part of last season talks about remembering, everything it’s about remembering this guy, it talks about the girl who’s trying to remember the guy, she knows he’s real but she can’t see him at all, only with her supernatural skills and in her dreams, after trying a lot he actually find the way to come back and they get together just the way they were meant to be.

In my case that hasn’t happened yet, I don’t know if its going to happen, he talks to me in all those dreams, he whispers things but when I wake up I just can’t remember anything about him or what he said last night, I don’t even remember his face, just the back of his head and simple characteristics like hair and skin color, I take it as a nightmare cause dreaming about someone you love, like really love, but without knowing who the hell he is, it’s just a nightmare for me, the most scaring thing it’s that I know that I have already met him before, there’s something blocked in my head which makes me get stuck in my last memories and not the first ones, I’ve tried a lot of things but nothing happens, maybe at the end of this high school year and when I head off to college I might find him or maybe it’s just that, a constant nightmare.

*I chose that photo because he looks like the guy I’m talking about* 

I’m stuck in the middle 

Why I still miss you? It was supposed that I was already over you, but now, now that apparently you don’t have a compromise I just don’t know what happened, I still think and talk and dream about you!
I don’t know if what we had was actually something real or just the game I was playing but then it just turned out that I actually like you.

I’m stuck in the middle, in one hand it’s my best friend, the one who kissed me, and then there’s you, a guy who just appeared out of nothing and started something that makes me feel butterflies on the stomach, I know that maybe we’ll never be together but man I still have a little of hope that you’re gonna talk to me one day, btw I’m confused now, how can I decide what I want? It’s just a lot and what if you’re really over me, and it actually was just a joke, I can’t be repeating the same story all over again, cause when I fall for someone, I can’t think about anyone else but him…