Mom used to say I always had a spark on my eyes, since I was a little kid. After I changed from one city to another my emotions and my spark where gone gradually. I never thought about it until this few days. I’ve been feeling so damn lonely, even if I spend a lot of time with my friends. I’m even talking to French guys, who’re incredible by the way. And I just can’t get my mind to settle down and stop thinking about all the bad things I have.
Yesterday I was about to go to sleep, but I just couldn’t. I usually try to listen to a sleep meditation and it works, I fall asleep . Yesterday’s meditation was about forgiveness and self-love. While the meditation was playing I could not find my way to sleep. I tried really hard, until my mind started remembering all the shitty things that people say about me when I was in secondary school. Here’s a little background story.
…In primary school I was a normal girl with friends and all. I was not popular or anything like that. I just had really good people beside me. I was happy. When secondary school came I thought it would be better that on primary school. That thought was totally wrong. People started to being harsh. I had few “friends”. I was never part of social events. I started feeling like I shouldn’t be there, like I was not welcome anywhere. My self-esteem started to fall down so bad. I used to be so sad every single day. I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I really thought I was not enough to be surrounded by people.
My “friends” talked on my back. They never included me on big events. I was lonely on recess sometimes. They said horrible things, which I would rather not like to mention. I think after all this time, that behavior can be classified as bullying. Not physically, but emotionally.
When high school came, I decided I was going to surround myself with better people. Must of my past classmates were gone. And that was a major advantage. It all started so well, until one day third semester started being like secondary school once again. I really thought there was something wrong with me. I really tried to change everything about myself. I was so so sad every day. I thought I was horrible. I thought the worst things about me. After a very long year. My fifth semester changed again. I decided I was not going to let people treat me like shit anymore. I started watching movies and series and reading books, and talking to my mom about certain things that happened along the years. And just that time I gave to myself helped me a lot. I started looking for people who would actually like me the way I am. I started deleting all those toxic friendships I had. I started to think more on me. And start ignoring when other girls through me harsh comments or just talk on my back. On that year I found really amazing people. I found actual friends…
Now that I’m in college all the harsh things that happened to me years ago still get me a little annoyed. Cause you know I wish I could talk to my past self and tell her that she should not let people treat her that way. She doesn’t need to be approved by anyone else but herself. My child self was brave and strong and thanks to that bravery I am happy with the things I have now. Sometimes those bad feelings and negative thoughts come back again. I guess I need to forgive every single person that make me feel so bad and let them go. It was a while ago. So why I keep those thoughts with me? The best solution is to let go, and while I was writing this I decided to take a pause and forgive them all.
After the pause I felt relieved. The act of forgiveness gave me inner peace. After all, the only thing I needed was to forgive. Every single person that made me feel bad once is forgiven. I wish my bullies the best and I hope they find happiness.